


Laments

by Nako13yeh



Series: A World Without Me [2]
Category: Black Clover - Tabata Yuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Black Bulls Squad as Family (Black Clover), Friendship, Gen, Heartbreaking, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24247414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nako13yeh/pseuds/Nako13yeh
Summary: Finral never learned how to voice out his problems, but he found a solution by writing letters. He hoped that in this way, his friends would be able to understand what he really felt.This was his goodbye.
Relationships: Finesse Calmreich/Finral Roulacase, Finral Roulacase & Langris Vaude, Finral Roulacase & The Black Bulls
Series: A World Without Me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699432
Comments: 45
Kudos: 109
Collections: IAmStoryteller's Best of Black Clover Fic Rec





	1. To Yami Sukehiro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took the energy out of me~ You don't know how much~

_First, I want to apologize to you, Yami._

_We’ve spoken about this so many times, and you’re probably tired of hearing it, but I really am sorry. If anyone deserved blunt honesty from me, it’s you. I’m just sorry that you have to read this instead of hearing it from me personally, but you know me, I could never convey the right words at the right time. Here is to hoping that it would change with this letter. I don’t want to run anymore, Yami. I’m tired. I don’t want to live this kind of life if it means bringing everyone else down with me, you especially._

_I just don’t want to disappoint you, but it might be too late for that._

_But know, that from the bottom of my heart, that I’m grateful that you took me into your squad. You saw something in me that no one else did. To have someone believe in me… a captain at that, it made me feel like the world mattered. The moment you met me, you knew I would be difficult. You knew I was complicated, yet you stayed with me. That’s something I would never forget. You know how hard it is to have everything you do thrown back at your face— unjust or not. Yet you persevered and showed them what you’re capable of. It was something I always admired about you. So I’m sorry, that I couldn’t be as strong as you… personality or otherwise. I’m sorry for not listening to your words until the very end. I guess the pain just built up inside me that I could no longer escape from it._

_What I’m trying to say, is that I’m grateful._

_You taught me a lot of things._

_You taught me that titles don’t matter so long as you were doing the right thing. You taught me that I should do what I loved and that everyone else’s opinion can hang, but most of all, you taught me that I have my own way of fighting. You know that I lived by the idea that the one who had the most fun in life won… but I was just fooling myself. Out of everyone, you knew me best. You saw through me before I could see the pain eating me up. For that, I’m grateful, because you called out to me when no one else saw what I was going through. I know I’m rambling, but I have to get these words out. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you miserable with this letter. So please don’t feel bad. I just wanted you to know how much you impacted my life. You don’t like the spotlight, I know that, but it wasn’t just you who made an impression on my life. Asta… at the exam… you picked right. You always do. Asta’s a good friend and person. So please, keep teaching him, keep raising him just like you helped raise me to be a better version of myself. I know he’ll be a good Wizard King someday. I know, because you’re his captain. If there’s one thing I’ll regret, it’s that I won’t see you go up the podium one day and accept your reward as the best captain of the best squad._

_So Yami, thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for always being there even if I pushed you away sometimes. Thank you for needing me. Thank you for being my captain and for letting me be a member of your squad._

_But most of all, thank you for believing in me._

_Since I won’t be there anymore, please take care of everyone. If you’re going to drink with Vanessa, do it in moderation and please watch over her. She drinks too much. Also, please learn to control your smoking; it’s not good for your health. As for everyone else… Asta; you already know what to do with him. Noelle; I think we understand each other. Don’t let her fall the same way I did, but I know she’s stronger than me so you don’t have to worry so much. As for Magna, he admires you. I’m sure you’ll make him a great leader one day. As for everyone else in the Black Bulls, you’re teaching them right. I wish I could cram everything I wanted to say, but if I do, this would be a novel. I think this is enough now though, and I hope you understand. If there’s another regret of mine, it’s that I’ll miss you… all of you._

_I only have one selfish request to make. Please, watch over my brother if it’s possible and please, for whatever reason, don’t blame him. He’s just as much in the dark as you are._

_So please, don’t ever blame yourself._

_You couldn’t have known._

_-Finral Roulacase_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and tell me what you think~ Thank you!


	2. To Vanessa Enoteca

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not crying... you're crying~

_I’m sorry, Vanessa._

_I’m sorry for not being honest with you._

_Out of everyone, you should’ve been the easiest to talk to, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you how I really felt. I know an apology is the last thing you want to hear from me, but apart from the truth, it’s the one thing I needed you to know. I guess I just didn’t want you to get caught up in my problems or hear me complain. You’ve done enough of that for the past several years. Please know that this was never your fault. You had nothing to do with it._

_Nevertheless, you’re a part of my life and you deserve to know the truth._ _Like Yami, you knew I’ve been walking on a thin line, waiting for it to break. You’ve seen me at some of my lowest points. The darkest one was when I tried to leave my past behind by changing my last name and living like nothing mattered. I guess I got sick of it. For a long time, I’ve felt trapped and helpless; sometimes even useless. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to know how bad it was. I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me. I also don’t want to be the reason for making you unhappy… which I’m probably doing now. So I’m sorry if all of this is coming out like every happy moment we’ve been through was a lie. It wasn’t. Every moment I spent with you was genuine._

_I just don’t like seeing you cry._

_Which you might be doing now, but please don’t._

_You know how that makes me cry too. I don’t deserve your tears. You, however, deserve to be happy. I didn’t know what else to do. Leaving abruptly without a proper goodbye was the only solution I could think of that would free me and help spare everyone’s feelings. It’s not my life with the Bulls that’s the problem. It’s me. I’m the problem and I can’t live like that anymore. I don’t want to feel trapped and helpless forever. So I’m sorry for leaving you like this. I don’t know what else I could’ve done. If I keep going as I am, there will be nothing left of me._

_As Yami once said, we all have our ways of fighting._

_This was my way, I guess._

_I’ve been dancing around this for so long; always thinking about everyone but myself. This was my excuse to do something for me. Please know that I never wanted to hurt any of you. And please don’t think it was anything you or any of the Bulls did recently. T_ _his was all on me._ _Just know, Vanessa, that I love you._ _You’re one of my dearest friends, and I don’t want you to cry over me. I’ll miss you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being my friend and for being there whenever I felt down or when I was being difficult. Thank you for being the sister I never had. Thank you for all the fun nights when we laughed and drank together— or when you’d push me to do things you knew I was capable of but was too scared to do. Thank you for taking care of me, for giving me advice, or for treating me like your equal. There are so many things I want to say that I’m grateful for, but it’s difficult. I don’t want to leave you like this, but if I don’t… I would only be fooling myself, and that extends to fooling everyone else. I don’t want that. When I saw how happy everyone was, I knew you would all be fine without me. That brings me comfort. I’ll miss all of you. I’ll miss you the most. You’ve given me confidence in areas I never thought I could have, and you supported me in your own way. If I have regrets, it’s leaving you to face your problems alone, because I know I’m not the only one drowning._

_So please stay strong, Vanessa._

_And thank you for believing in me._

_Since I won’t be there, please take care of everyone; Asta and Noelle especially. They need your guidance and your friendship. Don’t tease Magna too much, and make sure Luck doesn’t end up injuring him. You can tease Gauche… he needs to mingle more. Also, please take care of Yami. We’ve talked about this a lot of times. He’s not very vocal about his feelings, but we see it sometimes. We see the far look in his eyes whenever something happens. I don’t want you two to suffer alone. So please, talk to him. Tell him whatever you know and let him tell you what he does. I want you two to be okay without me. Which leads me to my last request… please take care of yourself. I won’t be there to watch over you whenever you get too drunk. If you need to drink, at least have Yami or Magna watch over you. And don’t be sad. I know it’ll be difficult, but please keep smiling for the both of us. Don’t lose hope because of this and don’t let anyone ruin your happiness or let them dictate what your future holds._

_Because Yami was right._

_Destiny is up to us._

_Thinking about you and knowing everyone will be okay, makes me happy._

_Please remember… this was my choice._

_-Finral Roulacase_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and tell me what you think~ Thank you!


	3. To Gauche Adlai

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Work has been tedious and hasn't given me enough time to write, even through my spare time. This chapter is a lot more different compared to the first two... but I hope you like it!~

_I think you might be one of the hardest to write to, Gauche._

_Not that It’s meant to be anything offensive, it’s just that we’re only beginning to get close to each other the past couple of days. So I want to apologize if I’m not able to say much. Honestly, I don’t really know what to tell you, but having been alone with my thoughts may have helped with that. I want you to know that I’m sincere when I tell you that I really wanted to be your friend._

_I’m actually kind of jealous of you._

_You’re very open about your relationship with your sister and I wish it were like that for me. I don’t talk about my little brother much, but I really want our relationship to be like yours… or part of it anyway. So I guess we kind of understood each other. I know it seems cliché and far-fetched… and I do know that your love for your sister isn’t exactly the same as my love for my brother; but as older siblings, I know we’d do anything and everything to save them from pain. That’s our job. And I’m jealous of you, because your relationship with your sister was something I wanted for myself for a long time now. I guess it bothered me a lot during our time in Nean. I know you like to talk about Marie in your spare time, but facing the reality was a lot more difficult than I thought. Seeing her trust and believe you… it made my heart twist. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I was never able to establish that kind of relationship with my brother. So that’s why I’m jealous… and I thought you might want to know why it’s difficult for me to talk to you. In any case, what happened in Nean… had its ups and downs. And I know it’s not something you like to hear, especially coming from me, but I’m happy for you and Marie and I’m definitely happy she’s safe along with the other children._

_Frankly, I don’t really know what else to tell you._

_I thought I had it figured out, but I wouldn’t be myself if I wasn’t so confusing and out of place. I guess, I just want us to be friends and I want to consider us as one. It’ll be a relief if you feel the same way. I was actually surprised, back in Nean, when you knew my name and asked me to help you. It felt like I was needed and useful. Even if you teased me, I know you never meant any of it. You just didn’t know. You probably have a lot of questions, and I guess I owe you some answers for why I’m suddenly leaving everyone. I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. I feel as though the world is against me. Practically since I was young, and it may not compare to yours, but I just can’t handle it any longer._

_That’s me._

_Always running._

_I’ve been meaning to escape for a long time, and it’s only now that I’ve gained the courage to do it. I think I may just be very weak-willed that I can’t take criticisms to save my life. But don’t blame yourself or think you were any part of it. I’ve given it some thought, and I can’t point fingers at you; otherwise, I’d be pointing fingers at everyone around me. If anything, it’s my fault for feeling the way I do. I just want to apologize for giving you the impression that I’m a difficult person and for leaving everyone that cared about me. I know you’ve kind of snapped to your senses and saw there was more to life than one purpose… so I just want to selfishly ask you to remember that the Bulls’ are our extended family. Like you would Marie, please protect them._

_I won’t be there anymore to help out._

_If you still feel like you’re in the dark, you can ask Yami or Vanessa. They won’t hesitate to talk about it. I actually didn’t think this letter would be this long, but thank you, Gauche. Thank you for thinking I could help people and be of some use. Please don’t shut yourself out. I can safely say that everyone in the Bulls cares about you and thinks you’re family too._

_I just wish we could’ve been better friends._

_-Finral Roulacase_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and tell me what you think~ Thank you!


	4. To Henry Legolant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the wait! Balancing work and my hobbies is just... very difficult!

_I hope you could forgive me, Henry._

_We’ve known each other for so long and this should’ve been easy to write, but I feel like I’m only adding problems to a situation that’s better left alone. However, like everyone else I’ve written to, I can’t just leave you in the dark. If I was less of a coward, I would’ve spoken to each and every one of you, but the impending confrontation alone was enough to keep me away. I just couldn’t do it. I don’t want to add that unnecessary pain; so this was my solution. It’s because I haven’t been happy for a while now. It sounds like I’m just complaining about my life, but nothing has been easy lately._

_I had to leave._

_Please understand that I never wanted to hurt anyone with this decision._

_I’ve always been a flight risk. I go where the wind takes me. It’s an easier life. And it’s not anyone’s fault but mine. Silly as it is, this was my way of sparing everyone pain. This wasn’t a decision made on a whim, either. This went on since before I became a Magic Knight. It tamed over the years, but it was still there. It never disappeared. It grew and it festered, and now… here we are. And I’m very sorry. It’s selfish and, quite frankly, cruel of me to tell you this when I know how much you’re struggling… but I couldn’t leave you out of the truth. Even now, I feel like I don’t deserve this escape… that I shouldn’t complain knowing that there were others who want to trade my life for theirs._

_And I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I am— of you and Asta._

_The two of you, no matter what hardship or adversity you face, you haven’t given up on your dreams. I wanted to be like that. But I guess it wasn’t my time. But I want you to know that just because I stopped following my dreams (if there ever was one) doesn’t mean you should. I believe in you and Asta. So please fight for that dream, Henry. Hold onto it and never let it go._

_If I had any regrets, it’s that I won’t be able to see you up on your feet, able to mingle with everyone around you. I had hoped that one day, you wouldn’t just be confined to one corner of the room or that you would be worried about taking our mana. It’s a simple thing to us, but I know how important that is to you._

_You’re a good friend, Henry… and a great listener._

_I just wish I could’ve stayed long enough to see you succeed._

_-Finral Roulacase_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and tell me what you think~ Thank you!


	5. To Magna Swing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It should not have taken this long to release. I'm going through a rough patch in life. Please forgive me!

_It’s weird, isn’t it?_

_Who would’ve thought I just had to write letters to tell people how I really felt? Had I known how liberating this was, I would have probably done it sooner. It made talking easier. I just wish I had the courage to do it in person, but you know me enough, Magna. I’m not courageous at all. But I hope this letter would help clear things between us. I’m really sorry you had to find out this way, because I think I understand you well enough to know how you might feel given the rough, past few days._

_So please, Magna, don’t blame yourself._

_You had nothing to do with it._

_This was my decision. And as selfish as it was, I wanted it. I needed to leave. So please, don’t hurt yourself trying to think of the reasons why. You’re not one of them, at least, not even a thought worth contemplating. I know how you are. And I know you could be vocal sometimes, but so are the others. And I know you meant none of the things you said. I’ve thought about them, yes, but I think about a lot of things. And I want you to know that it’s never been easy. Not really. Not my life anyway. It probably makes me sound like a hypocrite, knowing that many people would actually want to exchange my life for theirs and here I am complaining, but I’m just tired. Tired of everything. I could probably name it all, but that’s not what this letter is for._

_I want to explain some of the reason, but not… everything._

_It may look like I’m just the lazy slacker, a noble wannabe, a spineless and useless superficial flirt- and you’re not wrong that I’m all of those things, I agree- but I have my reasons. I might not be able to explain this right, but there were moments in my life that I couldn’t bring myself to make an effort. In my head, I would ask myself why I would do that when the results were always the same. It was those little things that stopped me. The flirting is mostly just a way to cope because I wanted to try and boost up my confidence, but that never really worked out right. It’s funny, isn’t it? And I’ve always been spineless. I’ve gotten through enough trouble when I was younger to want to look for it on my own. And I just want to run._

_There have been more bad days than good._

_But I can now say that I tried._

_Yet even after all that effort, day by day- drowning in mistakes, I couldn’t handle it any longer. This selfish decision was a decision that spanned years in thought. And only now did I find the courage to do it. It’s nice to have peace and quiet… without ever having to drown. It’s a good feeling. I’ve felt that, fleetingly from time to time. And I wanted it to be permanent. I’m just so sorry that it had to be like this. If I could’ve found an easier way, I would’ve done it. But this was my last chance._

_I couldn’t let it slip._

_If I had any regrets, which I do- I always do- is that I didn’t get to show you that I could be more than the person you knew. I could probably be better than who I was. I’m just really sorry I couldn’t be the senior you deserved. But don’t think too much on what happened and look to your future instead. Yami told me that he saw you had potential; I thought so too. So keep working hard, and follow your dreams. Don’t let Luck or Vanessa tease you too much. They care about you. And please, help guide Noelle and Asta as your juniors. I could tell that they look up to you, even Noelle._

_You’ll be a good leader someday, Magna._

_Take care of everyone for me._

_-Finral Roulacase_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and tell me what you think~ Thank you!


End file.
